Nicole vs. Life
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
