Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
