I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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