Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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