Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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