you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
