Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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