did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
