He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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