I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
