See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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