for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
