In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
