omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
