Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
