i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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