So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
