btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
