I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
