did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
