last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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