Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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