BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
