im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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