I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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