Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
