I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
