cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
