dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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