So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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