you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize