My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
