Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
