I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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