bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
