I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
