If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
