drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
