I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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