My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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