i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
