i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
