my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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