I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize