Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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