just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
