Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
