dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
