erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
