Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
