i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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