I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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