ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
