My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize