Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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