may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
