You smell like stripper and shame
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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