So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize