Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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