Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
