She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
