i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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